I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
