I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
