Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You made out with two different species that night
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
