I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
