So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
