You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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