I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
