Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
