I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
