I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
