The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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