My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
