seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
