why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
