Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
