I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
