Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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