I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
