It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
