grandma shit on top of the toilet
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
