In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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