chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
