do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
