i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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