I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize