i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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