omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
