I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
