Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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