is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
