I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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