Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
