They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
