one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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