I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
