I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
