I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
if only i could text you this smell
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
