Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
