I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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