if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
