i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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