when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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