WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize