Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
