everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
