Welp...herpes.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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