Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I didn't notice because vodka
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
