i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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