Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
