your parents love me but you hate me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
