saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
