Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
