id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
