I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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