she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
