tonight lets celebrate not being married
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just had sex on a roof
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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