I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
